Circle of Friends, phase I

Well, we presented it. The sessions--we presented in each of the school's second-grade classes--began with the counselor reading a children's book describing how people are different and also how they are the same. The children responded well to this thought exercise on recognizing the "OK-ness" of our similarities and differences.

And then...the counselor said the "A-word," with our full permission. She explained that TH is different, that he has a different ability, because of his Asperger's. That he has trouble getting attention in ways that other children use, trouble expressing interest in being friends, trouble understanding what others are doing, trouble finding positive ways to let people know he likes them. TH's special-ed teacher got up and demonstrated some of the ways that TH might try to get attention, ways that the children don't like. She then explained--and the counselor emphasized--that TH isn't allowed to "get away" with these approaches, that instead we'd like children who feel like they can show TH, as friends, better ways to do these things.

Then it was my turn. I had a slide show I'd made with pictures of TH doing the things he loves: hiking, exploring, investigating, riding roller coasters, doing art, pictures of him with his siblings, loving them, helping them, pictures of him in California, pictures of him on his knees, always always on his knees, eyes inches from the ground taking in detail most of us live our whole lives without noticing. I began the show by saying that in addition to some of these difficulties that TH has because of Asperger's, there are also many positives associated with it, including his love of detail and science and art.

And for every picture, I'd say, "How many of you like to....(insert activity here)?" And they all liked to do some of it--the bugs, science, hiking, roller coasters. They responded enthusiastically, and I repeatedly emphasized that, even though TH has differences from them, he also has all of these "likes" in common with them.

I included a picture of TH bear hugging Little Da and explained to the kids that this is how TH shows his love for this brother, by hugging him, possibly too tightly. I said that he might do that to them, and that if they can be good friends to him and tell him "no" when they don't like it, that would be great. I also showed Dubya with TH, and explained that Dubya does not have Asperger's, and that although he experiences many of the same things with TH that they, the students do, Dubya is a good brother to him: He tells him "stop" when he doesn't like something and works on showing TH better ways of doing things. (We kind of have to work on that last part a bit).

When we'd presented all of this, we invited the students to join TH's Circle of Friends if they felt like they could. We provided the permission slip for them, which had wording describing some of TH's social skills issues, explaining that some children might perceive these as concerning, stating that our goal was to create a peer group for TH to have as his friends and trusted partners, rather than an adult group of trust, and also a clinical description of what Asperger's is. We provided our contact information and that of the counselor if parents had questions. It went home in every folder of every second grader that day.

The immediate response was interesting. In the first class, several children were enthusiastic, with a couple of them even clamoring for a sort of competitive position as TH's already-friend. But in several presentations, children raised their hands and aired specific grievances about TH. In each instance, the presenter involved--whether me, the counselor, or his special ed teacher--took the child's story and used it as an example of how TH could learn a better way of doing what he was trying to do. Overall, the children were attentive, curious, interested, and pretty thoughtful.

Feedback from parents has been overwhelmingly positive. I've heard, "This helps us understand so much better," and "I'm hearing so many good things about the letter," and "I'm so glad to know more about this." As of Friday, the day after we presented, a little more than half of the students in TH's own classroom had brought back signed permission forms to be a part of his Circle.

And I did a follow-up with TH, too, convinced that this circle must involve his own efforts and learning experiences. I showed him the slide show and told him what we'd discussed with his peers. He knew we were doing this but hadn't known exactly when. As part of our follow-up, we're working on situations like those the students brought up during the class, such as things TH says to them when he walks by them in the hallway. He's going to work on saying, "Hi" or "Hello" and the person's real name, rather than saying something odd and, to some children, worrying.

In addition, I explained to him that friendship is a two-way street. He has to try to think of ways he can be a good friend, ways to help, to compliment, to keep from hurting people's feelings. I emailed his special-ed teacher the details of our wrap-up and what we're focusing on, and she's going to focus on those things at school, as well.

We're just in the first giddy days post-presentation. When the dust settles, when the slips are in, when the program gets going with these friends at lunch, in class, and at recess, we'll see much better what the efficacy is. At the very least, however, I feel like we have let the parents and the students know a little something about TH that helps them walk a few steps in his shoes and lets them understand him a bit better. Now, we have to get TH working on a better understanding of them.