Oblivious?

Today, I had a conversation with someone I've known for two years. During that time, I've noted that this person doesn't seem to really register social cues and also seems to have an unusual, almost naive openness with others. She also happens to be quite bright and capable, with ambitions and drive that will lead to her success on what society considers "normal" terms.

And she's even talked to me before about her childhood, how tough it was, how she was "in trouble" a lot, how she didn't really seem to fit in. Even today, she's unusual, in an interesting way, and she seems to have moved past that whole "I got in trouble all the time because I was running with the wrong crowd" phase.

The entire time I've known this woman, I've thought of her as kind of unusual, possibly a little bit naive, maybe goofy or nerdy, maybe a little too open and honest, too vulnerable. I've also thought of her as an invariably kind, good-hearted person with a genuineness that you just don't meet with that much any more. The one thing--and I'm sure you've figured this out already--the one thing I didn't know about her was that she was diagnosed with Asperger's in high school. She just told me that today as we discussed the supports TH receives in his classes.

And now that I've written all of the above down in stark black on white, I realize how completely dull I've been. How could I have not recognized it? Even more important and more than a little embarrassing is how it's changed my perception of this woman. I thought of her before as socially naive and unaware, unable to read social cues to the point that she probably has annoyed people as a result. I've noted that when the two of us try to converse, it's almost like a ludicrous social skills practice between two socially impaired people--which, now that I know more, it really is.

The minute I found out that she has Asperger's, my entire impression of her shifted from slightly bemused and put off by our mutual awkwardness to total understanding and positivity. In that split second, I changed my attitude about her and about our interactions completely. I understood why we were so awkward when we talked, why her openness and ingenuousness seemed so out of sync with her obvious intelligence. My awareness of her traits is no different, but the difference in context has wrought a wholesale change in my attitude and understanding. It illustrates the power of knowledge, this transformation of mine. I've even had transient thoughts in the past that her unusualness seemed familiar. Yet, in my own, especially oblivious way, I never made the glaring connection.

It's odd, because I feel that when I see certain kids out in public, I recognize them as being like our son. Mr. DMFP and I will even lock eyes for a split second in mutual understanding that yes, that's one there. What's the tipoff? Often, it's physical, I think...flapping, toe walking, body posture that's all angles, a way of talking, the subject matter being talked about. The woman I learned to understand better today does none of these things. Yet her manifestations are really just as obvious--or should be--to anyone who knows what they're seeing, to anyone who understands.

And it leaves me wondering--with all of these obvious signs, why didn't I understand it a lot sooner?