The downside of anger

I saw someone today I simply detest. I detest her because she has a history of spreading calumny about my son and apparently still persists in spouting her manufactured ideas to anyone she can. I despise this woman with every fiber of my being, and I don't feel this negative about anyone else. For some reason, I have a weird capacity to look right through emotion at what makes people act the way they do, and that keeps me from feeling deeply negative about them. Everyone has some inner hell that drives their detestable behaviors. Often, if you can understand that hell, you can sow a few seeds of compassion in yourself on their behalf.

And I know that this woman has a special inner hell. In fact, I know a lot about her personal demons. And if she had slandered me, I don't think I'd care. At all. Because I'm a big girl, and if I need to, I can smack all of that right on down. But she has targeted my oblivious, undefended son persistently and appears capable of almost literally collaring every adult within reach if it will help her spread her misbegotten lies about him. We owe much of our anguish over TH in the last year to her efforts to malign him.

She's just one person. Pretty much everyone knows she's batshit crazy. I ought to have some kind of pity in my heart for someone who's so soul misshapen, so destroyed inside, so empty of compassion. I actually thought I did. It's been months since she's crossed my line of sight, thank God, but she was in it today. And the sight of her makes me set my teeth, fix a 1000-yard stare, and tune out the world just so I can keep my visceral disgust tamped down. If these were different times, perhaps more lawless, less civil, maybe I'd get a few good kicks in on what presents as an ample rear target instead of having this response. Oh, for the good old days when you could throw rotten fruit at people with impunity.

This kind of persistent anger is different for me. I don't like that a person like her can have such power over my emotions. But what is more relevant is that this woman has decided to use a seven-year-old boy as her scapegoat, her Golem, her bogeyman for the elementary school years, and that seven-year-old boy is my utterly unaware, innocent son. Tomorrow, I'll go to church, where they say a lot about forgiveness. And every time I hear that word, I think of her. She's the only person I have on my very short shit list who needs my forgiveness. She's been there a long time. Is what she has done--and persists in doing--unforgivable? Apparently, for me, it is.