If you know TH or have read enough about him here, you know that anger isn't an emotion he expresses a lot or even very clearly. His version of anger is to squinch up his face in a grimace for about 2 seconds. Then, the feeling appears to pass immediately, and he moves on.
So, it's coming as a surprise to us this last week or two that he's expressed anger in two ways, talking to us about his anger at a specific aide at his school and actually getting physically angry with his BFF in gym class.
Don't get me wrong. He's gotten annoyed with his younger brother Dubya and sneaked in a minor blow or two. Like any two brothers who are close in age and who spend almost every hour together, that's gonna happen. But we've never seen him express this level of anger, especially about the aide.
And the causes seem minor to us. Since school started, he's been reporting frequently that at lunch, he "forgets" to eat because he's so busy talking to people near him. He's a huge talker, doing it almost compulsively, especially in surroundings with lots of sensory input, like big cafeterias full of noisy chattering children, food smells, and endless movement. That sets him off, so he talkstalkstalks. Concerned that our overgrown oldest wasn't getting enough midday nutrition, we asked his behavioral specialist if someone could just check on him and remind him to eat.
The aide charged with this duty has been, perhaps, a tad overzealous. TH gets in the car almost every day complaining that she's "bothered" him, made him eat some food he doesn't like (like sweet potatoes or melons, and I'm right there with him...ugh). Normally, he'd brush off something like this, but he really really really doesn't like being harassed at lunch. As he exclaimed to me yesterday in his usual 80-dB voice, "Lunch is my only time to talk! And she keeps bothering me! Telling me to eat foods I don't LIKE!" The aide apparently has also extended her dominion over his activities to the playground and a couple of other venues, and TH's antipathy about the situation is so strong that he takes anything she says as an offense.
I don't encourage this kind of blanket response to a person, and I also am not going to run to his "rescue." I've told him that he should tell his behavioral specialist--who knows him VERY well--about his feelings and see if that leads to any changes. The only problem is, I think this aide may also be the person who helps him open his milk cartons at lunch. He's also been telling me that these are hard to open and when he can't do it, he just sits there, without his milk. But there's always that delightfully cold water fountain, I suppose.
The other incident with his BFF is more disturbing. They were having a disagreement in gym class about strength. BFF did something, and TH, as he put it, "pushed him down, and he cried a little." And then TH said, "Sometimes, I just lose control of myself like that." It's odd that he'd say that, because I've never known him to lose control of himself in anger. In excitement? Yes. In fear? Yes. Anxiety? Yes. Anger? Um...no.
We're not sure how the BFF ultimately responded to what TH describes as his repeated apologies. He was obviously quite worried about the effect of his behavior on his BFF. But he's never clear on describing other people's feelings or responses to him, which makes understanding the conclusion of episodes like these frustratingly difficult. Is the relationship over? Are their plans to form a rock band on hold? Will they no longer be roommates in college?
Overreacting parent that I am, I'm now angsting myself about a couple of things. Is this some beginning of early preadolescent expressions of anger? Will my cheerful, quick-to-get-over-it, funny, happy 8-year-old boy turn into some kind of hormonal, angry spawn I don't recognize any more?
Or...is he finally feeling and expressing something that many children have recognized in themselves their whole lives?
Out of all of the technological advances we've seen even in our own lifetimes, why o' why is it that no one has invented a decent crystal ball? The Magic 8 Ball keeps giving me conflicting responses, and I can't figure out how to interpret "Outlook good."
8 comments:
I've had to complain about my eldest's EA this year more than once, and she's only there quarter time. Last year was ok, this year she's getting bossy and she's discovering my son makes huge gains in short periods of time and... he's 10 now. Also, she's discovering that whereas last year he still told me little about school... so there may have been issues I didn't know about... this year he tells all.
When I hear about it, I leave a note in the agenda (all children have them) with the conversation btwn myself and my son and sometimes it isn't pretty and I know the EA will read it before the Teacher does.
There's always a "deal with this please" at the end to the Teacher.
I've only had to request a phone discussion once so far a week ago... At the same time I'm pls'd he wants to make his own choices, has opinions/ideas that are age appropriate.... These should be heard by his Teacher and EA as well, and discussed with him, not around him anymore.
Wow. I think this sharing of anger is very good thing for TH. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion that we all have and need to learn to express.
M was late express anger in a "normal" way so when she began expressing it I was shocked like you. I had to remind myself that even though she was beginning to share these emotions at a very late age compared to most children I had to be thrilled that she was doing so and was beginning to understand her emotions more. It looked odd sometimes since she was older and expressing her anger and other emotions in a way a younger child would. Over time she caught up in some ways and not in others.
"we asked his behavioral specialist if someone could just check on him and remind him to eat." I am happy to hear that you have someone who is actually following through with your request. I remember years of hounding staff to help M make it through lunch and actually eat something.
FW2, thanks for your comment. Our aides in general are really great, although there have been a couple of (short-lived) duds. Aides don't get paid a king's ransom and their work is tough. I don't really know what to make of TH's stories, whether this aide is *really* on him too much or it's just his perception because she's interfering with his talk time.
Marla...this school is really amazing. I have to confess, I felt pretty silly asking if someone could remind my child to eat during lunch...but my child needs to eat his lunch! And they're all over it, as you can see. My husband and I can't get over how professional and dedicated and not-burnt-out everyone at this school seems to be.
That all sounds healthy to this dad.
VAB, thanks. I'm hoping and really thinking the same. It's just new to us right now. And as much as I'd like to be impervious to the relevance (or irrelevance) of extreme experiences to our own, I also have in the back of my mind how much some people change with adolescence.
Around 8 years old when Charlie started to seem unsettled, angry? in a new way---nothing like some of the rages that seemed to pass through him last year (and are still wont to). But better to have it out and to learn how to do so now, perhaps, than when adolescence becomes "full blown." (I say all this while reflecting on the past several months with my adolescent child.)
Will my cheerful, quick-to-get-over-it, funny, happy 8-year-old boy turn into some kind of hormonal, angry spawn I don't recognize any more?
I'm afraid all kids do that. :(
Buddy Boy is now 9 (soon to be 10), and this year it has been especially hard for him to express his outbursts of anger in an appropriate manner. This has led to several "special meetings" which we have had to attend at the school. The last two weeks have been OK, but don't know if it's an anomaly or not.
We had the opposite problem with lunch. Buddy Boy was always hounded to eat his lunch at school, when he wasn't hungry. He always ate a good breakfast, and enough after school to stay healthy, so we had to get the school to stop hounding him, as it was only getting him upset.
Hope all works out well.
Joe
Joe...I know, right? I'm not looking forward to sullen teens and that kind of thing. Although I was not a particularly sullen teen, and neither were my siblings. Guess we'll see...
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