I've had some weird playground experiences in my time. As an adult, I mean. My childhood playground experiences weren't weird, they were just mostly a misery. But I've never had a playground encounter quite like this one.
Some background: Good friends of ours have arrived in Colorado. While they were unpacking, I took their oldest son and TH's bestest-ever friend to a playground. They hadn't seen each other in six weeks. The friend had just spent two days in a car. Naturally, the two boys, along with Dubya, were rowdy.
It was the best place for it, with huge grassy fields, some splashy water feature fun, places to run. The boys wrestled and wrestled and ran and wrestled for probably close on to two hours. I sat and watched them, only stepping in once to remind people that pulling on clothes simply isn't very good for the clothes. They were smiling and laughing the entire time.
And at one point, just before we left, a woman who'd been there the for the duration turned to me and said, "Are those all yours?" She didn't sound very happy about it, and I was suddenly worried that I'd somehow overproduced.
And I responded, "No, three of them are. One's a friend."
And she said, "They sure do fight a lot."
I was stumped. What do you say to that? It seemed like an accusation, like several accusations--you're a bad parent, you should be stopping that behavior, your children are violent, why are you here?--all rolled into one. And it was bizarre to me because they clearly were not fighting but having a blast.
All I could think of to say and do was the usual: I overdid the detail, focused too much on nuance. "They've not seen each other in a long time, so they're busy enjoying really solid inputs with each other." Am I a dork or what? "Really solid inputs"? Who understands therapy speak if they're not involved in therapy?
She just stared at me. "Well," she finally said, "they fight a lot. You sure do have your hands full."
Considering that all I'd had on my hands for two hours was a bit of boredom and a Blackberry, I had to silently disagree with that assessment. Out loud, I just said, "Mmmmhmmm."
So, what was the deal with that? Was she a Mennonite? Am I a blind fool who doesn't know fighting when I see it? Why was my "fun wrestling" like "fighting" to her?
I've realized from experience that people tend to have very different perceptions of what aggression is. I know for a fact that my candor and intensity can put some people off, especially if they trend toward thinking that any pointed observation or contradiction is somehow an argument. For some people, their "conflict" is my "discussion," their "argument" is my "interesting conversation." And apparently, my children's rowdy good time with each other (no other children were involved) is off-putting fighting worth commenting on.
Conflict or conversation? Fighting or fun? Tomato or tomahto? Some days, you do truly want to call the whole thing off.
11 comments:
LOL. I probably would have asked her if she had any sons or brothers (I'm betting not). Then,I might've just shrugged and said "hormones, you know?"
Oh, and, hey now...don't be dissin' the Mennonites, now!I've seen some of them scrap, too!
"Mmmm" or "I see" are about all I contribute in conversations like these. On a grumpy day it's because I no longer give a shit, on a cheerful day it's because I'm not interested in non-constructive "input."
Unless of course it makes for good blogging material. Which your exchange did.
Niksmom, I probably shoulda said, "Quaker" for greater nonviolent accuracy...although I think you've got a connex there, too, right? The thing is, she had boys, at least two. But they were...sensitive.
Squid...I am also a proponent of the "mmmm" along with the thousand-yard stare. But this one really took me by surprise. And, of course, in my Machiavellian way, I was mentally rubbing my hands together at the excellent blog fodder I was accumulating.
You did better than me. I usually have a blank stare as my brain screams: F! Someone talked to me! after the sirens stop, I usually say something that I imagine my socially-gifted husband would say. I must smell, because then the person usually ushers their children to the car and leaves. :P my kids are rough, but I don't let them play like that with strangers. That woman would probably cry if she saw mine actully fight.
Ange, my reaction is always the same, and I also imitate people whose social interaction skills I respect...or I try to.
We never let our kids play rough with other kids we don't know, but that's usually not much of an issue as they rarely choose to play with other kids we don't know. :-/
I probably would have just said, "yeah, but it has kept them occupied and nothing was destroyed, so I'll call it a good day." and I would have been sure to have a big smile on my face when I said it...
Perspective is such a funny thing, isn't it?
Glad they had fun at the park whether they were lovin' or fightin' fun is always good ;-)
Let's see: there wasn't any blood, they weren't involving anyone who didn't want to wrestle, and you were watching/ supervising the whole time.
I don't see a problem. Do you? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
I hope your snippy park-goer browses the blogs and sees this. Snicker. That'll teach her.
Speaking as a Mennonite, I'm not at all feeling "dissed" to have "us" associated with non-violence -- rather thrills me, in fact! -- but rather hope she wasn't a Mennonite since I hope most of us aren't busy-bodies who produce unsolicited parenting critiques. :-) I suppose that cuts across all denominations/religions though. Oh well.
Is there ever a good answer to that kind of parent-sliming comment?
This Mennonites Opa brewed his own wine in the basement and Mother has never not been known to pass up going to a dance..... be careful with the stereotypes...
It depends on the family. I rough house some with the little one... he loves it but he likes sensory input. My eldest is my prissy, don't get my dress dirty, girl - he's also claustrophobic and even as an infant wasn't keen on being held. Although I guess he's right there with the other boys in his class at school, it's all the other children that he's uptight with or it's b/c I'm usually available to sulk and whine to... and no... I'm not sympathetic usually. Or it's b/c the kids at school are use to him and his quirks and automatically accommodate him???? No idea.
As long as nobody got hurt, no other child got their fun ruined... who cares.
I love how many Mennonites or Mennonite-related folks there are on here. That is interesting. I wasn't seeking to diss, just to use an example of nonviolent folk, although it's possibly that "Buddhist" might have been the best choice there. FW2, you're right...I should NOT stereotype. As for dancing, while I know that it's fine for Mennonites, and perhaps drinking is as well...Baptists...not so much. That's where I come from. :-)
JoyMama...I don't know. I'm still not quite sure how she meant it--you know, like maybe *she* had some limitations that (a) led her to view that as fighting and (b) led her to make that comment.
I am always amazed at how many people are missing the filter between their brains and their mouths. Who says something like that?? Whose benefit was that said for, and what type of response did she think she was going to receive?
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