...it's apparently not clear to the neurotypical adult. And I'd need more fingers and toes to be able to use my own digits to count the number of times lately we've been in that situation, and after my child *responds*, the adult says, to me or to the Viking, "Oh, he's still not quite awake yet, huh?"
Why? Why do they feel like it's OK (1) to talk about my child in the third person in front of my child, and (2) to comment on his social interaction in that way? My children may be socially disadvantaged, but they know when an adult is commenting in a backhanded, negative way on their behavior. We, the parents, have both gotten so sick of it that we simply now answer, "No. He's wide awake and has been for hours. He's just painfully shy."
Just this week, at a pediatric dentist, the hygienist pulled this with Dubya. After hassling me, of course, about the amount of tartar on his teeth. I have twice in the last three months gone into that child's mouth myself with dental instruments and removed the tartar. There are reasons people don't like to go to the dentist, and it's not all about the pain. While we're at it, please stop calling me "Mom" as though it were my name. It's not, and no one else on Earth calls me that.
Oops. Sorry. Got derailed there. Back to the topic at hand. The big question bugging me about these adult-child interactions is, If these are supposed to be the neurotypicals, how is it that they have so little insight into what's really going on in that exchange?
17 comments:
Oh, man, do know what that's like! "Mind-blind" is an awesome term, I've never heard it before but I will definitely start using it!
Never have those issues. Probably b/c I take mine everywhere and people are use to them. Even in town in the mall or the family restaurants... it's still "small"... They always speak to them directly and before I left to come to NC my youngest actually replied to the woman at the village grocery store directly. OK it was "Yes" to, "Are you enjoying your new school"... But we'll take that, no problem.
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
This is just another example on how important autism awareness (and autism acceptance) is. The more people are educated, the less stupid questions they will ask.
I have the opposite problem because mine son never stops moving and goes right up to strangers asking the most inappropriate things. I always get "boy, I wish I had his energy!" If they only knew it was because he can't regulate his body and needs to move like that to make himself feel better...
Good for you on being able to read him, at least. As an aspie adult, I am forever having to deal with this kind of problem directly. I don't claim to be particularly good at reading people, but there is no doubt in my mind I am better at reading neurotypicals than they are at reading me. The scariest is when I have a few times been trying to get help in an emergency and people come up and start babbling stupidly about how happy I look, completely ignoring my voice screaming "There's been an accident, I need help!"
Today I was doing as I often do and, having parked my car in a central location, walked around and did some errands---fuel efficient and healthy. Unfortunately, I seem to have attracted the attention of the local beat cop, who started following me asking questions and saying I appeared to be lost, and that he's noticed me before looking lost. I tried to explain about Asperger's and that my face tends to look more distracted than I really am, but I'm not terribly eloquent when startled like that. He did say "Oh, I have a son with autism!", but I'm not sure how much he believed me.
“If these are supposed to be the neurotypicals, how is it that they have so little insight into what's really going on in that exchange?”
The answer to your question -- in my humble opinion -- is that “typical” is not defined by the presence of insight, or empathy or manners or common sense for that matter.
The being called "Mom" by professionals dealing with my kids drives me completely bat-shit.
And I absolutely hear you on the "oh, he's not awake yet" nonsense too. We deal with this (or some variation thereof) ALL. THE. TIME.
Just today we went to the pediatrician -- the same office where we've been going since his birth eight years ago -- and even though I heard the doctor pick up his chart a few seconds before coming in the door, she still came in and, after asking two questions in quick succession said something like: "Cat got your tongue?" I just adopted my very best blank look and said: "No. He just can't talk." I hope it embarrassed her just a little bit and I hope that she will take more than 1 second to look over someone's chart before consulting with a family!
@jillsmo...It's something that autistic people are "supposed" to have, an inability to put themselves in the other person's shoes, consider how they might be feeling. I disagree with the idea for a few reasons.
@FW2...woohoo indeed.
@bubbles...that is so true, and for that matter, simply recognizing that some children are shy might be helpful.
@Gravity...I know a child with William's syndrome with similar issues. It's the reverse of our situation, yet still similar in terms of reaction.
@Viverrine...Even I get queried about the look--or not--on my face...by total strangers. Really unnerving.
@michael...it may be that that lacking some of those things *is* sadly typical. Perhaps I am pessimistic.
@Melissa...I don't know why I'm sooo uptight about it, but it does irritate me. I want to say, "I have a name." In fact, most of the time, I've introduced myself and told them my name, as they have told me theirs. I wonder if we should just start calling them, "Nurse" or "Hygienist" or something.
@Christine...OK, you win. That's just bullshit. Eight years with that doctor and they don't recognize the chart? Jeebus.
Christine
What you describe is really appalling and hopefully it was a one time accident. Obviously the doctor should pause a moment to review the chart before entering the exam room to organize his/her thoughts, in part to catch up on the key issues at hand. Most of my time as a physisician is spent in the intensive care unit taking care of very sick individuals. I also do a small amount of office consultation. In the office,the charts have well organized, detailed databases which I review before entering the room. I begin the interaction by putting the chart down, putting my pen down, refraining from typing on the keyboard, facing the patient/family and starting with an open-ended question "So how are things going?" People appreciate your undivided attention and the appearance of not being hurried. Frequently they will then share a concern which may not even related: Spouse just diagnosed with metastatic prostate CA, son is in Iraq, etc. I make a quick note in the chart and ask about this on the follow-up visit. It takes very little time to establish genuine rapport. The physician should be organized before entering the exam room, not making terribly insensitive comments and digging through the chart right in front of you to catch up to speed. That kind of behavior is inexcusable.
I dislike when people talk to moose and will not stop until they get a response. Hello!!! He's trying to avoid you in the best, most polite way he can. I avoid people all the time in large groups. There are times though that I appreciate people making the first move. If you say something & I say mmm hmmph and look away. Leave me alone. If my eyes light up and I keep talking then you're in! I think the same for my little one? I think people assume we should all talk all the time, not necessarily just an autism thing? I don't buy that children should speak when spoken to thing because I know how painful it can be. Nor have I ever forced eye contact (unless I accidently channel my father). Hell, I contact make eye contact at the grocery store checkout because I know I'm supposed to and then I try too hard and then I get stressed out. So I smile as I stuff my receipt in my wallet and say you too! after they say have a nice day. I think adults don't know what to do when they say something & kids don't say anything back. They feel funny, so they keep talking or make a comment to cover up the nonresponse.
That's such an enlightening comment, Michael. You know, this post really made my experience at the pediatrician yesterday stick with me. I've grown so immune to these kinds of experiences that it almost -- almost -- doesn't bother me anymore. But your comment made me realize that I should be bothered by it and I should have higher expectations for professionals I work with. I don't mean hold them up to some unattainable standard, but to maybe understand when some sensitivity is due isn't too much to ask, I think. I have decided to write the doctor's at this practice a letter and describe what it is like from a parent's point of view. Hopefully it won't be a waste of time. They seem like good people.
Yep. We've gotten this a lot too in the past.
Now they just stop talking to him altogether. Its just too uncomfortable for them I guess.
I'm not sure which is worse.
We still get that occasionally with Amigo. Even though he is 18 and taller than I am, people talk to me instead of him because of his white cane. Huh? The cane means he can't see. He has excellent hearing, he's articulate, and he'll answer people directly when they try to talk over him.
And I'm almost tempted to say, "So there."
Christine
I have thought more about your post, from the perspective both as a parent and as a physician. I keep coming back to the following: for a pediatrician to ask a non-verbal child "Cat got your tongue?" is just flat out inexcusable. It may have been a rare mistep, but it may very well reflect a deeper problem such as professionalism. If the pediatrician appeared genuinely mortified and immediately apologized, that would be somewhat reassuring. The fact that you left wondering whether or not the doctor was embarrassed unfortunately indicates otherwise. That a central health issue facing her patient wasn't even on the radar suggests a lack of preparedness and/or disorganization and suggests even some degree of disinterest. Your child deserves better. A letter expressing such concerns would be perfectly appropriate. If you do express your concerns, their response will reveal much about the character of those who are running that clinic. Good luck.
I thought "mind-blind" was the term used by Sphinxian treecats to refer to humans, in David Weber's Honor Harrington novels. Sadly, my own kitteh only has four legs.
I share your irritation at being called "Mom" by complete strangers. I am not their mom. My two college student sons and my daughter, a high school, junior, all call me and their father by our first names because we're cool like that but it was with our permission. Strangers have no right to assume a fake coziness with me that doesn't exist.
I was even called "Mom" by a teenage pet store clerk. She was referring to my standard poodle, whom I brought with me.
"Did Mom buy you some treats?" the clerk asked my dog.
Needless to say, the dog didn't answer.
I told me, "I'm not her mom. Her mom is in Oklahoma with her newest litter."
The girl just gaped at me. N.B.: This was the same girl who referred to her credit card machine as being "retarded" because she couldn't get it to work right.
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